Thursday, October 7, 2010

When will You come

Father, when will You come and reveal to this world that You alone are all this world has ever or will ever need? When will this sinful, fallen world look to You and repent of their sins? You alone are the champion of Love and You alone are worthy of all our praise. When will you come and reveal that You alone sit on the throne?

We have forgotten to put You first in our lives. Instead, we now have money, jobs, cars, sports and so many other things that have taken up top spot in our lives. We to quickly forget that anything we have or get to do is a gift from You.

Lord, forgive me where I have placed other things above You and have taken You off Your throne. Forgive me for not completely surrounding everything over to You. Take control and grant me not a desire to serve You but a drive to serve You as well. Desire without action accomplishes nothing. Help me to link those two together to serve You completely with my whole life surrendered to Your will and to never forget that You are Lord of all.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


Fall is in the air which means football games are in full swing, leaves are starting to change color, the temperatures are cooling down and stores are putting out fall/winter merchandise. It also means Homecoming for many colleges and high schools. My alma mater just had their Homecoming this past weekend and I got to go. While in town, Jonesboro, I drove around to look at the city and see how different it was or how familiar it was and that is when it hit me. Everything is constantly changing.

I drove around and realized that not only did Jonesboro look different but so did the campus. I think to often when we move away from somewhere we realize that we change or our surroundings change but forget that where we moved from still changes. Thats when I started thinking about how everything changes. Going to an alma maters' Homecoming ever so often helps remind us just how much things change. Sometime those changes are big and sometime they are small. Sometimes we see them coming and we either do not want them to come or we do. Sometime things change so slowly that we don't realize how things have changed until we look back and realize what is now different.

My point is this. Changes are a good thing and maybe one or two are bad but we have to learn to accept things. Whatever the change, chances are it won't change back. Once you realize how good the change is, would you really want it too? I did not want to change my life back after the biggest change in my life so far took place.

I have never really been too big a fan of change and one big change in my life 20 months ago changed all of that. I thought I had found the job that would be my career and the place where I would stay. Then on Feb. 9th, 2009, everything changed. There is that word again. I got laid off and my life as I knew it would never be the same and now I can say that I don't want it to ever again. Oh, there have been many days filled with sadness, tears, anger and confusion but healing has been taking place and now the new direction my life is headed is wonderful. In fact, I would not even have this new opportunity in my life now were in not for this unexpected change in my life then.

Now, all that to say this. My one unchanging constant and the one unchanging constant in this world is God! He was the one who got me through all of this and continues to guide me through this amazing journey that I am on. Whether your changes were/are expected or unexpected, stop and think what is it that God is trying to show you or move you towards. Also, look around you and take in all the changes that are happening today in your life and around your life. You might be surprise at just how much change is taking place that you do not even think about or notice.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Been a while.

So, I realized yesterday afternoon that I haven't written on my blog in a while. I think the reason I took a break was because I felt silly. Writing out all my feelings and not knowing whether anyone was reading it or not. Not knowing whether whoever was possibly reading agreed, disagreed, had comments, had suggestions and so on. But lately I have started to not care. This is really more for me to get out all the junk in my life, to layout all my thoughts whether they be random, about life, about my walk with Christ.

So much stuff has changed in these past few months. I am no longer in Bentonville anymore. I am going to get my masters starting this fall at Southwestern seminary in Fort Worth. People I thought would be true friends, ones who promised not to stop being my friend, have disappointed me and proved once again that there really are very few people who don't let you down. Why is it that we make empty promises? Don't we realize that empty promises always cause pain?

Lastly, I need to get in gear. I have a whole list of things that I need to get done but cannot seem to find the motivation to get them done. Why am I being so lazy? I need to start caring like I used to and start getting things accomplished. I need to start writing on here again more consistently and be accountable to myself.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


So, a couple weeks ago a friend asked me to be his accountability partner. Here are some things I have learned.

1. Girls/guys really shouldn't be accountability partners.
2. If you do happen to be accountability partners, make sure what you are holding each other accountable to isn't causing difficulties in one or the others life (this goes against the concept of accountability)
3. When accountability is given, listen to it and do your best to correct or adjust behaviors.
4. It is a huge sign of disrespect when you flat out ignore accountabilities partner assessment especially when blatantly do doing in front of accountability partner.
5. If the "relationship" has become to much for one partner or if the other partner refuses to make changes suggested, break the relationship and suggest another partner for him/her.
6. As stated first, guys/girls should NOT be accountability partners.

Believe me, I learned the hard way and now am dealing with hurt feelings/feelings of my own.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Easter service

Last Sunday was Easter and our church had a wonderful service, however, it was short. I go to what many people now consider a mega church. We had over 14 services around the church campus that morning in different locations. I attended the 10am service in the main worship center. There were five in the main worship center - 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11. I remember thinking this is a good service but what is missing. I started pondering this thought as I, along with 2 of my dear friend Nicole and Katie, waited for 20 minutes just to be able to back out of our parking spot. Parking was a nightmare because the 10 and 11 were probably the 2 busiest services all morning. It was in the wait for the parking that everything started becoming clear to me. The service was shorter because more people than normal would be coming and there had to be enough time between services to shuffle people in and out of the sanctuary.

And then, when we got home I casually said something like "wouldn't it be great it if we had problems like this every week." Wouldn't it be great if all of our churches were adding services to accommodate all the believers? Then another thought hit me....this was made me sad. At least half of those people that came to the Easter service only come to church on the major holidays - Easter, Christmas and a few other times that fit "their" schedule. AH! That is the other reason for a shortened service and a somewhat watered down version of the Easter message. My next thought was a question. Why do our pastors and we as the believers who attend regularly worry about offending those who only come on Easter and Christmas?

I don't know about you, but I am tired of catering to those that are offended. I am not making you come to church or do things that will offend you. You came because somewhere in your train of thought something said "Go to church, it is after all a holy day". I most assuredly won't try and make you believe something you don't want to, BUT, just because you don't believe it doesn't mean that others will not believe it. For too long, Christians who do attend regularly and who do serve in their church, have said "OK" when non-believers or watered down believers say that offends me, can we soften that message some or that offends me, you can't talk about, pray or do anything like that that offends me. Here is what I have to say to you, GET OVER YOURSELVES!

Here is the Easter message, the unwatered down version and I make no apologies for it. If you are offended, don't read things I write. I am not going to change what I say or how I live my life. God sent His one and Only Son to live with us human here on earth. He was perfect and He became sin so that we might have eternal life and know what it was liked to be loved unconditionally. After a 3 year ministry on earth, when all the prophecies had been fulfilled, Jesus was handed over (betrayed by a kiss from one of His disciples). He was tried 6 different times - 3 Jewish trials and 3 Roman trials. He is sentenced to death on a cross, the most inhumane and most cruel form of death ever. He was beaten, a crown of thorns placed on His head, mocked, spat upon and probably endured lots more forms of disrespect. He was led to Golgotha carrying His own cross for his crucifixion. He had 3 nails driven in His hands and feet. Here was God's Son, our Savior, bleeding and dying on a cross and all the while loving those that had put Him there. From the cross He prayed and ask God to forgive those who did this to Him "because they no not what they do". What amazing love! Around 3pm, darkness fell upon the land, Jesus then cried out in a loud voice and said "It is accomplished", He breathed His last. These are the events of what we call Good Friday. Yes, that is pretty harsh and you might wonder why call it good. Because He took that death from you and me. Trust me, it is hard but it is good and I am so very thankful! Sunday morning - Praise God for Easter Sunday morning! Some of the women were going to prepare His body for proper burial and when they arrived this is the scene that greeted them. The heavy stone rolled across the entrance to His tomb was gone, thrown several feet away. A man in a bright, shining robe asked them who they were looking for. They replied, Jesus of Nazareth. He said, "He is not here. He is RISEN, just as He said He would." They ran back to the disciples and told them. They ran to see for themselves and also found the empty tomb.

You see, Jesus had to become sin so that you and I might be able to spend eternity with God in Heaven. God loves us that much! Jesus died, was buried and was raised from the dead to be our living Sacrifice. His blood makes us clean! It is by His blood we are made new. It is through Him we receive our salvation. Jesus beat death...He beat evil on that day and WE WON! Praise God, Jesus is RISEN!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Mission XNA

This past week I worked with a group of teens from my church on a local mission trip. We got the wonderful opportunity to work with Lightbearers. They train students preparing for missions and ministry. All the rent money paid for their apartment is sent out to the mission field. Our group was able to help with renovations since the apartments needed some drastic help. By us helping them in the renovations, we helped save money and that is just more that can be sent out. For instance, when our guys would help install a new dishwasher that would save $80 service fee. Training in Africa for one pastor is $40. So, that is 2 pastors that can receive training. Our guys installed over 40 new dishwashers plus 20+ new washer/dryer units as well. They also would have been an $80 service charge. Do the math. That is a lot of training for a lot of pastors across the world. How amazing to have such an impact!

The girls, there were only 5 us, got to clean and paint. Now, I am not talking cleaning like you clean your house every spring. No, I am talking some former tenants hadn't cleaned their apartments ever. One man had lived in the same apartment for over 8 years and never once cleaned his bathroom. Grace and I had the opportunity to clean this apartment. Let me tell you that never cleaning a shower for over 8 years leaves it extremely nasty. The word we used was "sicknasty". I mean we probably should have been in hazmat suits. It was gross. The staff even thought this tub was hopeless and they would have to install a new one. Well, Grace and I started out not wanting to clean this tub. I will admit we both had bad attitudes mine probably 10x's worse. But, we pressed on anyway. We sprayed the tub down and then went and prayed for the project. And then we started cleaning. We worked for the last 2 hours of the first day on this tub. We continued on it the next morning for another 2 hours. We repeated the process of spraying with bleach, going outside to pray, scrubbing it down, rinsing and repeating. So, 4 total work hours later, this tub is spotless. We grab a few of the staffers that were close by. They were shocked and overjoyed because it was a success. We had cleaned the tub and saved them a lot of money. Grace and I are so very excited about this and then the lesson dawned on us. We as sinners are like that tub; dirty, filthy messes and not worth the work its going to take to clean it, but thank goodness that God loves us because He comes in and cleans us up. He makes us spotless. Thank you Lord that You love me enough to come in and clean me up.

That same day that we finished cleaning the tub we took the teens to a mosque in Fayetteville. It was a difficult experience and one I don't think any of us will ever forget. After we finish cleaning for the day, we all clean ourselves up, have dinner and then drive over to the mosque. On the way there, we pray. When we get there, we are asked to remove our shoes and then the girls are sent upstairs while the boys remained down stairs. That was the first of the difficult experiences for the night. We are so used to worshipping with our brother and sisters in Christ. It made all of us girls feel like second class citizens. Upstairs, we see a huge one wait mirror wall the creates the balcony. We can see down to the guys and everything going on below us but they cannot see us. There are no pews, chairs or benches to sit on. When their prayer time starts we quickly learn why. They stand, bow, bow on their knees and kiss the ground. It was very ritualistic to say the least. There was no passion or emotion to it, they just went through the motions. After prayers, the men started a powerpoint downstairs that was difficult for the girls to see and we were having a hard time seeing. We broke off into groups and began asking the women questions so that we could learn. Pretty soon the man giving the presentation starts chastising us and telling us we are distracting the "brothers" and that us "sisters" should be quiet and listen. We all instantly stopped talking and kind of just sat there looking around. A little later we start asking questions again. In listening to this one woman, I never heard her say assurance of salvation or words like faith, grace and love. When asked how they get to heaven, she said they had a fear of Allah and a hope that their actions and good deeds would be enough to get them there. It was so overwhelming oppressing for me. Several of our girls were visible upset by what the women were saying. Many said that when we left all they wanted to do was to listen to praise and worship music. I have to admit, I even had to leave the room and go to the bathroom to clear my head for a minute. The fact that we were kept separate from the men, the fact that there was no emotion in their prayers, the fact that the women believed that they had tons of freedom and that all the things they as women had to do was enough to make anyone want to cry, but add in the fact that they meet 5 times a day, everyday believing that this will get them to heaven and I can't imagine how they could serve their "Allah or God" without loving him. It breaks my heart. They never said words like love, faith, assurance of salvation. There was nothing positive about it. The women were covered top to bottom in dark colors, nothing pretty.

It was definitely a difficult night but a lesson no of us will soon forget. In fact, for me, I have a new desire to see them "saved" from these oppression. Praise the Lord that I serve a risen Savior and that He loves me and desires a relationship with me. A relationship that was bought by His Son's death and resurrection.

The rest of the week was more cleaning and painting and helping out around the Lightbearers apartment complex. It was amazing to be with them for the week. Their mission is fantastic and I was so blessed to be there and to be able to help in a small way. The other great factor is that the new Executive Director was/is a friend of mine. Kevin McCollum and his family now operate those apartments. It was great getting to see him and several other friends from Fayetteville. I hadn't seen them in years and to work alongside them for a whole week was great! I have been praying for them now and will continue to pray that their work be blessed and that they reach many, many lives for Christ. I even made several new friends like Kristi and Joy. We don't yet know the true impact of all that was done last week, but we know that God was glorified and that everything we did was all for Him.

Friday, March 19, 2010

I know the way out.

Surprisingly I love the show West Wing. The funny part is that its about a Democrat president and his staff. I am a conservative. Now you can see why it is surprising that I love the show. Well, it plays on Bravo here in the mornings and I watch them as I get ready for work. The other day one of my favorite episodes came on. The title of the show is Noel.

In this show, Josh Lyman, the Deputy Chief of Staff, is meeting with a psychiatrist and a traumatologist. You see at the beginning of the season, Josh's character was involved in an attempt on another character's life. He was shot and had to undergo surgery and it was touch and go. He makes it through and recovers and eventually returns to work. Around Christmas time, his character starts exhibiting PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. He basically has a melt down and shoves his hand through a window. He has a huge cut and wraps it himself.

At the beginning of this episode the doctor ask him how he cuts his and hand and this sets off the stage for the rest of the show. The doctor keeps asking him throughout about it. Finally, he really starts pushing Josh about his hand and finally, Josh has a break through. At a Christmas concert he began to relive the events of the shooting. Next Josh asks what set him off. It was the music that sounded like sirens to him that unnerved him. When Josh leaves he runs into Leo. Leo McGary is the Chief of Staff. Leo tells Josh a story and that is the point to this blog.

This is the story. A man falls into this hole and can't get out because the walls were too steep. A doctor walks by and the man yells to the doctor "Help me, I have fallen into this hole and can't get out." The doctor writes him a prescription and throws it down to him and leaves. Later a priest walks by and the man yells to him "Help me, I have fallen into this hole and can't get out." The priest writes out a prayer and throws it down to the man. Soon the mans friends walks by. The man yells "Hey Joe, its me. I have fallen down into this hole. Can you help me out?" Joe jumps down into the hole with his friend. The friend says "Are you crazy? Now we are both down here." Joe says "Yes, we are, but I have been down here before and I know the way out."

I think too many times we forget that it is okay for us to ask for help. When the world is closing in on us and we can't seem to figure out how to get out, all we have to do is ask for help. Help from God, our Heavenly Father and our friends. He definitely knows the way out and will help us if we ask. I have a couple of friends that I could turn to and am turning too as I try to get out of the hole I am in now. They have been there and are truly praying for me. I like knowing that I am not alone and that really we are all in need of help, a hug, a good cry, a listening ear, a friend, a Savior. I know that I have a long journey ahead of me but I am looking forward to the day in a year or so when I look back and know that I made it through. Praise God that He heals and forgives! What an awesome God we serve!

I chose to no longer live my life afraid of things but to rather live my life for Christ without fear. I chose to follow Him no matter what. He is calling me to a great purpose than I could ever imagine for my life. I have said "Yes" and will follow His leading even though right now it is bittersweet. I am following Him and going back to school, seminary to be exact. While that is exciting, it is still scary also. I am sad to be leaving my friends behind but look forward to a new journey. A journey with Him into an unknown. This will be a time to grow closer to Him, in ways I have only dreamed about before.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Saying Yes to God.

So, I guess for years now I have known there was a call in my life to missions and student ministry. I have been fighting it for a few years and especially hard this past year. I feel in love with Northwest Arkansas and didn't want to leave. I had fallen in love with my life here and got "comfortable". God had other plans for me all along and on March 1st I could no longer run from them. Saying yes to this kind of calling is easy and hard at the same time. Its exciting because its a new chapter, a new of trusting God, a new way to grow closer to Him and so many other reasons. Its hard because it means saying "see you later" to close friends and moving away, moving away from them and moving farther away from my family. It means opening up to spiritual attacks that most assuredly will come or have already been occurring. But the great part of that is seeing God take that and make it into something for His benefit.

Saying yes to God can also be in the short form like a test of your faith. I have been through a couple of those lately and while it hasn't been easy I am sitting here now(Thursday, April 1st) typing this up realizing that He has drawn me closer and that the "test" wasn't the important part, it was learning the lessons He wanted me to learn. Now, this isn't to say that I have passed with flying colors. I had a difficult conversation with a great friend on Monday night in which I was being very stubborn and difficult. I do not know how he stayed on the phone with me and kept encouraging me and pushing me to see things a different way. I am glad he did and am extremely grateful to him. This whole being refined by the Refiners fire isn't easy, in fact, it kinda hurts at times. But the great thing is how much I've grown, especially in just the past few months and weeks. Yeah, its hard to know that my wonderful friends here that have been a huge help and inspiration to me will soon be only a phone call away at the quickest and a long car drive away at the longest, but that does not matter. They are still my friends and will still be here for me. I love them so much and say yes because they along with my family support me and daily let me know how proud of me they are. I can do it!

I have fallen in love with Britt Nicole and her music. It is so real and for months now each song has spoken directly to my heart. I encourage you to go to Youtube and look her up or go by her CD. It is well worth the price. I hope it is as beneficial to you as it has been for me.

Monday, March 15, 2010

What do I know of Holy?

I have been listening to this song by Addison Roads a lot lately. I decided to add the song on here so I could stop by and read it when I need to be reminded of who God really is and how little I really know if HIm. Or so that if anyone else needs to see these words they can. It is a beautiful song. If you want to hear it, look it up on youtube. So very truthfully, full of compassion, love and complete awestruck wonder. I am so completely in awe of Him. That I can mess up as much as I do and yet He still loves me. He still wants me. He still draws me to Him. I love you my Heavenly Father!

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Find More lyrics at
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Mission Trip & Support Raising

Hello family and friends! I hope 2010 has started off just wonderfully for you. As you all know, this past year has been one of change for me. At first, I truly did not appreciate the “forced” change position I was put in. Now, over a year later, I can truly say I have been so blessed by God and His faithfulness. He has grown me and still continues to grow me. He has taught me many wonderful things and I am truly thankful for those lessons. He has also strengthened my heart for missions and shown me a new passion, youth. I have had the wonderful opportunity to be a part of the youth ministry here at Fellowship. With a strengthened desire for missions, I am so very excited to tell you of an opportunity coming up this June for me.

Once again I am preparing to go on a mission trip to Casa on the Rocks down in Guatemala City. It is the same place I went last summer and I couldn’t be more thrilled to have the chance to return. My group will once again be doing some construction and loving on the children. The most important part of this whole trip is to love on these children. They have been horribly mistreated by their families and have suffered abuse in ways no child or human ever should. Here is the link to Casa’s website - When you have some time, please check it out. It will give you a better understanding of where I am going and why loving on the children is so important.

I am asking for your support in a couple of ways. The first is prayer. This entire trip needs to be bathed in prayer. The second is financial. We will be staying for 1 week and so I need to raise $1,000 in support for this trip. There are a couple of ways to give financially. One way is to send a check made out to Fellowship Bible Church. I have included an envelope already addressed to Fellowship. A second way to donate is to visit my direct link.

On the site there are 3 options. The first button is to give via an electronic check. The second is to give via a credit/debit card. The third is to become a prayer partner. I pray that you will prayerfully consider how God would have you be a part of this trip whether it is financially or as a prayer partner.

I am so excited about this trip, to once again go and do God’s work. Even Jesus took time to love on the children. What a great opportunity to go and do exactly that, love on His children. By supporting me, you also are loving on these children. Every contribution is so helpful and so appreciated. I am so blessed to have each of you in my life and for the wonderful things you have taught me either as some sort of teacher along the way or just by the Christian example you live out through your life. Here is a line from a favorite Casting Crowns song. “Sing until the whole world hears”. I am following Him and will continue to go wherever He send and do what He asks me to do until the whole world hears.

Monday, March 1, 2010

When God talks, you listen.

So, I have had a very interesting day. I was supposed to take the Praxis this morning at 11 am at the University of Arkansas. Well, here is what happened. I left a hour before the test to make it to the campus on time, get a parking spot and find the test site. I have not visit too many different college campuses but let me tell you about UA. Parking is a nightmare! I was told that I would be able to use a meter and that it was 6 hours. This would ensure plenty of time for me to take my test and not receive a parking ticket. I was not told about the fact that the test service building had their own and that they were the only 6 hour meters. The one I found was a 90 minute one. Well, I only had 10 minutes before the test so I parked and placed enough for the 90 minutes and figured that I would just deal with the ticket before I left. So, I started walking towards the place the email said and the place the person on the phone told me. Twenty minutes later I am lost. I call the office again and the nice young man on the other end finally got me to the location I needed to be at. I was now 20 minutes late.

I arrived in the correct location and at this point was extremely frustrated. The director of testing services said I could take a moment and gather myself. She came to talk to me when she got everyone else all set up. While she was talking to me one of her people asked me if I was signed in. I said I was not and she very rudely told me I needed to sign in. The director told her not to worry and that she was taking care of me. After talking to her for a while, I decided not to take the test.

God used this incident to speak to me. I very clearly heard Him say "What are you doing? You don't want to do this. This isn't what makes you happy. Trust me." So, I told the director lady that I wasn't going to take the test and thanked her for talking with me. She was very sweet. So, I left and went back home, had lunch and went to the Reality Check, Inc office to work on the video for the fundraiser. God will definitely get your attention and speak to you when He has it. I am glad He did. Now I feel like I finally am listening to Him the way I should always. My future is completely in His hands and I will follow where He leads me. I am also a lot more calm about what that future might hold or take me.

Friday, February 26, 2010

With every goodbye, you learn

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth, and you learn and you learn. With every goodbye, you learn

by Veronica Shoffstall

A friend of mine many years ago sent me this poem to help me get through some stuff I was going through at the time. I recently found it again and still love it.

Thoughts and Misconceptions

I am so lost. There are so many thoughts and misconceptions in my head and I need them all to leave. For so long, I have let an evil force control my outlook on life. I have let Satan have too much of a strong hold in my life and as a follower of Christ I have had enough. Christ alone should be enough and is enough for me. Why should I believe Satan’s lies? All the struggles I have been through in my past are in the past and forgiveness has been given where needed. I need to accept that and quit letting Satan use it against me time and time again. One lesson I should take from those past struggles is this, Christ never left me alone. He always helped me through and he will always help me through. I need to quit fighting a battle that I am not meant to fight alone. One of my favorite songs, The Warrior is a Child by Twila Paris, is a favorite because it reminds me that even though I am grown up, I am still God’s child and we will always need help. His help. The song says it all in the chorus. They don’t know, that I go running home when I fall down, they don’t know, who picks me up when no one is around. I drop my sword and cry for just a while, cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.
Another lie I have believed for a long time is that I am not “successful” because I am not married with a family. I have let the fact that many of my friends have graduated college, gotten married, and started a family upset me. That is their life. That is were God has placed them now. He has me exactly where He wants me right now. Even though I don’t understand it, because anyone who knows me well, knows that I desire to be married and have a family. God knows that this is a desire of my heart and hopefully somewhere out there in the future He will give me this desire. But for right now, I am a young, single, professional working in my desired career field. I have been truly blessed with a great job, a great church, a great group of friends, a great family and so much more. Why then should I even want more? Why can’t I just be happy with what I have at this moment? If God has provided for me in the past and up until now, why should I think He would stop? The truth is He has taken great care of me and I act like the spoiled child I am and still want more. Now saying all this, and knowing my desire to be married and have a family, something I don’t understand is my fear. In the past, any time I have gotten close, I completely panic and sabotage either the relationship or possible relationship before I really ever give it a chance. Fear is not something God puts in our life. That is an attack from Satan. I have recently started to understand that I am where I am in life because I have given into the fear and believed the lies that Satan put in my head. I need to take back control and stop living in fear and in the shadow of lies and my past failures. I wonder why I ever started being so scared of something I want so much. What could have happened in my past that still negatively affects me to this day? How do I move beyond this fear?
I know that I have the ability to get beyond all this. It will take time and a lot of prayer. But if want to draw closer to God, then okay, that's what I will do. All this came about when I started reflecting on my life on my birthday earlier this week. If I want things to change for the positive then I need to start thinking postively, quit living in the past, and stop worrying about what others have. I need to be happy with what I have now and with what God is doing in my life.

Hearts Cry to God

I wrote this note on the afternoon of Wednesday, 3/25/09. Read it and then I will go into how He answered me Wednesday night.

Note beginning:

Okay. So, what do you want from me? I am asking for Your guidance. I need Your help! I am crying out to you for forgiveness and mercy. I know that lately I have been going through the motions rather than living the Christian life you call me to live. I ask for forgiveness from that. Set my heart on fire for you again! Lord, if there is anything in my life that isn’t pleasing to You, please convict me of it in my heart so that I may ask for forgiveness and move on. Lord, if there is any unconfessed sin in my life, please forgive me of it. Bring it to mind and I will bring it to the foot of the cross and leave it there. I ask for forgiveness for all the worrying I have done when I know that You have all things under control. You Father take care of even the little sparrow, so why then would You not take care of me. You have in my past, right now in my present, and will in my future.

I truly admire people who can completely, whole-heartedly just follow and trust You by faith. It seems that I give it all over to You and then take it back again. I am so scared right now. I feel like I am falling down into a black hole and that I am never going to stop. I feel so out of control and that is a hard thing for me. I have never been good at sitting still and listening and waiting for You. I know that is definitely a lesson You are teaching me.

Abba, Father, I need you. I need to know that you are caring me through this right now. I need to feel Your love. Please draw me closer to You. Help me to understand and see what You are doing in my life. Give me a patience and a peace that only comes from You.

End Note.

So, Wednesday night was my community group night and we have a lot of girls so we split into 2 groups. My group had 6 girls. God placed each of us in that room for specific reasons. We started with prayer request and by the time we were finishing up I had the overwhelming sense to not do our lesson for the night but to just lift each other up in prayer. So, that is what we did. We lifted each other up to our Father in Heaven and just cried out to Him on each others behalf. After the prayers, we read each other some of our favorite verses and God spoke. Each verse or chapter that was read held a very strong message for each of us and He just reminded us that He has it under control and that where we are weak, He is strong. I left feeling so much better, truly at peace. It was the reminder that I needed.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!


I have wasted so much of my time trying to be the perfect student (in college) and then the best videographer/associate producer/worker I could be. I threw myself into my job. I gave it 110% and then some. What did that get me? Not much. Oh, I had a great time, a fantastic boss, wonderful teammates and made some really great friends. However, 3 years, 3 months and 3 days later(11-7-05 to 2-10-09) I was let go, "laided off". It didn't matter how hard I had worked, nothing was enough. Now, I should definitely say at this point, I know it wasn't my supervisor's decision and I believe that all the events that happened was a blessing in disguise for me. I do not regret my time at Walmart. I thank my team, the Shows & Events team, for the friendship, the lessons and always helping me become a better individual. You each played a huge part in my life and for that I will always be thankful! I love you guys and gals so very much!

How different would my life be though if I would have devoted myself to God like that? You know, given Him the 110%. I should have been trying to be a better Christian, better daughter, better sister, better granddaughter, cousin, friend, niece, insert title here. What would my life look like? How much happier could I/would I be? I should have been striving for my best in my Christian life and everything else would have followed. How many blessings have I missed? How many lessons missed? God has definitely used this difficult time in my life to teach me a lot about myself. Most recently, He taught me how to be vulnerable. I was at Ravencrest Summer camp in Estes Park, CO last week (6/28/09-7/4/09) with the youth from Fellowship Bible Church. One night during worship, God met me there and broke down all my defense's that I had built up to not have to feel the pain of what happened and all those emotions come flooding in. I literally broke down and cried, then laughed and then gave it all over to Him, the One who knows my sorrows and pains better than me. And I felt free. Praise God! He freed me. I have learned that mountian tops and valley lows are better and easier when looked at and shared with Him. And that most of our time is spent inbetween those mountain tops and valley lows. It is what we do with that time inbetween, those climbing up and climbing down that matters most. That is where our testiment of faith is tested the most and where everyone is watching.

Please forgive me for my misplaced drive for life. May that 110% drive be towards my walk with You. May I walk according to Your plan instead of my own with rest stops with You along that way. Please help me to remember that You have my "storm" in Your hands. I called, You answered, You came to my rescue and I, I want to be where You are. You have it under control. I do not know when I will be out of this storm, but You do and You guide me, love me and protect me. Remind me that there are always eyes watching, ears listening and feet following. Thank You! I love you! Amen!

Closed Doors/Open Doors

God, I need You!

Father, please hear the cry of my heart! My heart is broken and I know that I cannot be the one to fix it. That comes from You. I am crying out to You. I need You to wrap me up in Your loving arms. All of this "stuff" in my life right now is way more than I can handle. Life itself is more than any mere man or woman can handle. You want us to daily rely on You. I have felt closer to You these last 6 months sincing lossing my job and I know You have a reason for this "storm of life" right now that I am going through. Here I am, Your child, crying out to You. Please Father send me one of Your angels. Even if its in the form of a human here on earth, I need that. I am opening up for all to see. The vulnerable state that I am in right now. I know that You have a Perfect plan for me. Help me to find it. Guide me to that path Father.

I pray these words from one of my favorite Casting Crowns song.

I was sure by now / God You would have reached down / And wiped our(my) tears away / Stepped in and saved the day / But once again, I say "Amen" and its still raining

As the thunder rolls / I barely hear You whisper through the rain / "I'm with you" / And as Your mercy falls/I raise my hands and praise the God who gives/And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm / And I will lift my hands / For You are who You are / No matter where I am / Every tear I've cried / You hold in Your hand / You never left my side / And though my heart is torn / I will praise You in this storm

I remember when / I stumbled in the wind /You heard my cry / You raised me up again / My strenth is almost gone / How can I carry on / If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls / I barely hear You whisper through the rain / "I'm with you" / And as Your mercy falls/I raise my hands and praise the God who gives/And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm / And I will lift my hands / For You are who You are / No matter where I am / Every tear I've cried / You hold in Your hand / You never left my side / And though my heart is torn / I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eye unto the hills / Where does my help come from? / My help comes from the Lord / The Maker of Heaven and Earth / I lift my eye unto the hills / Where does my help come from? / My help comes from the Lord / The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I'll praise You in this storm / And I will lift my hands / For You are who You are / No matter where I am / Every tear I've cried / You hold in Your hand / You never left my side / And though my heart is torn / I will praise You in this storm / And though my heart / I will praise You in this storm?/

Father, I am submitting it all over to You. I really don't have the strength anymore. My heart has been broken into so many pieces that only You know how to restore it. You are my Creator and You are the Great Healer.

If you, my friend or family member, are reading this, I am asking for your prayers right now. Please intercede on my behalf and ask for direction in my life. Ask for comfort. Pray for God's will to be done in my life. I do not pray for the "storm" to be calmed unless that is God's will. Only He knows when it is time for this storm to end. If there are still lessons to be learned, I pray that He will begin impressing them upon my heart. Pray against Satan's attacks on me. Thank you for your prayers!

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

O Come, O Come Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel!

~Exodus 15:2 This verse and the story of the Israelites starts this song. They have been lead to the sea and just when it looks like they will die there God steps in and saves them. Now look at the verse...The Lord is my strength and my son; He has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise Him, my father's God, and I will exalt HIm. ~ Notice the word become. Their salvation and ours has become a personal thing. When they were in danger, he protected them.

That mouns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appears.

~Revalation 1:4,8,17,18
v.4 - is, was, is to come
v.8 - Alpha and Omega
v. 17 - First and Last
v.18 - Living One

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

Colossians 1:15-17 - He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created; things in Heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. ~He was there before the song. This sets the song up.

Psalms 16:8-9 I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, ~This is where we join in the song. The song will play regardless of if we join or not. Emmanuel = God with Us. In good health and in bad, in happy times and in sad, in joyful births and mournful deaths, when our jobs are great or when we lose our jobs, in the good and in the bad...praise God that He is Emmanuel...God with Us.

On that day when we celebrate the 2nd Christmas, I will choose to join in the song again and at that time for all eternity. Praise God that we will be ransomed.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel
and ransom captive Israel.
That mourns in lonely exile here
until the Son of God appears.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
shall come to thee, O Israel!

If we are the world and we want to help, why is there still so much hate?

With the new release of We are the World to help bring focus to Haiti and raise funds for their devastated country, we are reminded that there are more countries that need help than those that do not need help. Why is it that it takes such devastating events for the rest of the world to take notice and want to help? Why can't we always come together and help each other instead of hating because we don't understand each other and fear their culture.

Why does it take a major natural disaster to pull us together? Why do we terrorize other countries simply because they are different from us? If we are the world and we want to help, why is there so much hate?

An earthquake in Haiti? A tsunami along the coasts of many Asian countries and even Africa? A hurricane in New Orleans? Mudslides? Tornados? Floods? Blizzards? Why do we wait for one of those events to care?

We need to come together and help those less fortunate than us without waiting on a reason. Just get in there and help because you care.