Been a while.

So, I realized yesterday afternoon that I haven't written on my blog in a while. I think the reason I took a break was because I felt silly. Writing out all my feelings and not knowing whether anyone was reading it or not. Not knowing whether whoever was possibly reading agreed, disagreed, had comments, had suggestions and so on. But lately I have started to not care. This is really more for me to get out all the junk in my life, to layout all my thoughts whether they be random, about life, about my walk with Christ.

So much stuff has changed in these past few months. I am no longer in Bentonville anymore. I am going to get my masters starting this fall at Southwestern seminary in Fort Worth. People I thought would be true friends, ones who promised not to stop being my friend, have disappointed me and proved once again that there really are very few people who don't let you down. Why is it that we make empty promises? Don't we realize that empty promises always cause pain?

Lastly, I need to get in gear. I have a whole list of things that I need to get done but cannot seem to find the motivation to get them done. Why am I being so lazy? I need to start caring like I used to and start getting things accomplished. I need to start writing on here again more consistently and be accountable to myself.

Accountability

So, a couple weeks ago a friend asked me to be his accountability partner. Here are some things I have learned.

1. Girls/guys really shouldn't be accountability partners.

2. If you do happen to be accountability partners, make sure what you are holding each other accountable to isn't causing difficulties in one or the others life (this goes against the concept of accountability)

3. When accountability is given, listen to it and do your best to correct or adjust behaviors.

4. It is a huge sign of disrespect when you flat out ignore accountabilities partner assessment especially when blatantly do doing in front of accountability partner.

5. If the "relationship" has become to much for one partner or if the other partner refuses to make changes suggested, break the relationship and suggest another partner for him/her.

6. As stated first, guys/girls should NOT be accountability partners.

Believe me, I learned the hard way and now am dealing with hurt feelings/feelings of my own.

Easter service

Last Sunday was Easter and our church had a wonderful service, however, it was short. I go to what many people now consider a mega church. We had over 14 services around the church campus that morning in different locations. I attended the 10am service in the main worship center. There were five in the main worship center - 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11. I remember thinking this is a good service but what is missing. I started pondering this thought as I, along with 2 of my dear friend Nicole and Katie, waited for 20 minutes just to be able to back out of our parking spot. Parking was a nightmare because the 10 and 11 were probably the 2 busiest services all morning. It was in the wait for the parking that everything started becoming clear to me. The service was shorter because more people than normal would be coming and there had to be enough time between services to shuffle people in and out of the sanctuary.

And then, when we got home I casually said something like "wouldn't it be great it if we had problems like this every week." Wouldn't it be great if all of our churches were adding services to accommodate all the believers? Then another thought hit me....this was made me sad. At least half of those people that came to the Easter service only come to church on the major holidays - Easter, Christmas and a few other times that fit "their" schedule. AH! That is the other reason for a shortened service and a somewhat watered down version of the Easter message. My next thought was a question. Why do our pastors and we as the believers who attend regularly worry about offending those who only come on Easter and Christmas?

I don't know about you, but I am tired of catering to those that are offended. I am not making you come to church or do things that will offend you. You came because somewhere in your train of thought something said "Go to church, it is after all a holy day". I most assuredly won't try and make you believe something you don't want to, BUT, just because you don't believe it doesn't mean that others will not believe it. For too long, Christians who do attend regularly and who do serve in their church, have said "OK" when non-believers or watered down believers say that offends me, can we soften that message some or that offends me, you can't talk about, pray or do anything like that that offends me. Here is what I have to say to you, GET OVER YOURSELVES!

Here is the Easter message, the unwatered down version and I make no apologies for it. If you are offended, don't read things I write. I am not going to change what I say or how I live my life. God sent His one and Only Son to live with us human here on earth. He was perfect and He became sin so that we might have eternal life and know what it was liked to be loved unconditionally. After a 3 year ministry on earth, when all the prophecies had been fulfilled, Jesus was handed over (betrayed by a kiss from one of His disciples). He was tried 6 different times - 3 Jewish trials and 3 Roman trials. He is sentenced to death on a cross, the most inhumane and most cruel form of death ever. He was beaten, a crown of thorns placed on His head, mocked, spat upon and probably endured lots more forms of disrespect. He was led to Golgotha carrying His own cross for his crucifixion. He had 3 nails driven in His hands and feet. Here was God's Son, our Savior, bleeding and dying on a cross and all the while loving those that had put Him there. From the cross He prayed and ask God to forgive those who did this to Him "because they no not what they do". What amazing love! Around 3pm, darkness fell upon the land, Jesus then cried out in a loud voice and said "It is accomplished", He breathed His last. These are the events of what we call Good Friday. Yes, that is pretty harsh and you might wonder why call it good. Because He took that death from you and me. Trust me, it is hard but it is good and I am so very thankful! Sunday morning - Praise God for Easter Sunday morning! Some of the women were going to prepare His body for proper burial and when they arrived this is the scene that greeted them. The heavy stone rolled across the entrance to His tomb was gone, thrown several feet away. A man in a bright, shining robe asked them who they were looking for. They replied, Jesus of Nazareth. He said, "He is not here. He is RISEN, just as He said He would." They ran back to the disciples and told them. They ran to see for themselves and also found the empty tomb.

You see, Jesus had to become sin so that you and I might be able to spend eternity with God in Heaven. God loves us that much! Jesus died, was buried and was raised from the dead to be our living Sacrifice. His blood makes us clean! It is by His blood we are made new. It is through Him we receive our salvation. Jesus beat death...He beat evil on that day and WE WON! Praise God, Jesus is RISEN!

Mission XNA

This past week I worked with a group of teens from my church on a local mission trip. We got the wonderful opportunity to work with Lightbearers. They train students preparing for missions and ministry. All the rent money paid for their apartment is sent out to the mission field. Our group was able to help with renovations since the apartments needed some drastic help. By us helping them in the renovations, we helped save money and that is just more that can be sent out. For instance, when our guys would help install a new dishwasher that would save $80 service fee. Training in Africa for one pastor is $40. So, that is 2 pastors that can receive training. Our guys installed over 40 new dishwashers plus 20+ new washer/dryer units as well. They also would have been an $80 service charge. Do the math. That is a lot of training for a lot of pastors across the world. How amazing to have such an impact!

The girls, there were only 5 us, got to clean and paint. Now, I am not talking cleaning like you clean your house every spring. No, I am talking some former tenants hadn't cleaned their apartments ever. One man had lived in the same apartment for over 8 years and never once cleaned his bathroom. Grace and I had the opportunity to clean this apartment. Let me tell you that never cleaning a shower for over 8 years leaves it extremely nasty. The word we used was "sicknasty". I mean we probably should have been in hazmat suits. It was gross. The staff even thought this tub was hopeless and they would have to install a new one. Well, Grace and I started out not wanting to clean this tub. I will admit we both had bad attitudes mine probably 10x's worse. But, we pressed on anyway. We sprayed the tub down and then went and prayed for the project. And then we started cleaning. We worked for the last 2 hours of the first day on this tub. We continued on it the next morning for another 2 hours. We repeated the process of spraying with bleach, going outside to pray, scrubbing it down, rinsing and repeating. So, 4 total work hours later, this tub is spotless. We grab a few of the staffers that were close by. They were shocked and overjoyed because it was a success. We had cleaned the tub and saved them a lot of money. Grace and I are so very excited about this and then the lesson dawned on us. We as sinners are like that tub; dirty, filthy messes and not worth the work its going to take to clean it, but thank goodness that God loves us because He comes in and cleans us up. He makes us spotless. Thank you Lord that You love me enough to come in and clean me up.

That same day that we finished cleaning the tub we took the teens to a mosque in Fayetteville. It was a difficult experience and one I don't think any of us will ever forget. After we finish cleaning for the day, we all clean ourselves up, have dinner and then drive over to the mosque. On the way there, we pray. When we get there, we are asked to remove our shoes and then the girls are sent upstairs while the boys remained down stairs. That was the first of the difficult experiences for the night. We are so used to worshipping with our brother and sisters in Christ. It made all of us girls feel like second class citizens. Upstairs, we see a huge one wait mirror wall the creates the balcony. We can see down to the guys and everything going on below us but they cannot see us. There are no pews, chairs or benches to sit on. When their prayer time starts we quickly learn why. They stand, bow, bow on their knees and kiss the ground. It was very ritualistic to say the least. There was no passion or emotion to it, they just went through the motions. After prayers, the men started a powerpoint downstairs that was difficult for the girls to see and we were having a hard time seeing. We broke off into groups and began asking the women questions so that we could learn. Pretty soon the man giving the presentation starts chastising us and telling us we are distracting the "brothers" and that us "sisters" should be quiet and listen. We all instantly stopped talking and kind of just sat there looking around. A little later we start asking questions again. In listening to this one woman, I never heard her say assurance of salvation or words like faith, grace and love. When asked how they get to heaven, she said they had a fear of Allah and a hope that their actions and good deeds would be enough to get them there. It was so overwhelming oppressing for me. Several of our girls were visible upset by what the women were saying. Many said that when we left all they wanted to do was to listen to praise and worship music. I have to admit, I even had to leave the room and go to the bathroom to clear my head for a minute. The fact that we were kept separate from the men, the fact that there was no emotion in their prayers, the fact that the women believed that they had tons of freedom and that all the things they as women had to do was enough to make anyone want to cry, but add in the fact that they meet 5 times a day, everyday believing that this will get them to heaven and I can't imagine how they could serve their "Allah or God" without loving him. It breaks my heart. They never said words like love, faith, assurance of salvation. There was nothing positive about it. The women were covered top to bottom in dark colors, nothing pretty.

It was definitely a difficult night but a lesson no of us will soon forget. In fact, for me, I have a new desire to see them "saved" from these oppression. Praise the Lord that I serve a risen Savior and that He loves me and desires a relationship with me. A relationship that was bought by His Son's death and resurrection.

The rest of the week was more cleaning and painting and helping out around the Lightbearers apartment complex. It was amazing to be with them for the week. Their mission is fantastic and I was so blessed to be there and to be able to help in a small way. The other great factor is that the new Executive Director was/is a friend of mine. Kevin McCollum and his family now operate those apartments. It was great getting to see him and several other friends from Fayetteville. I hadn't seen them in years and to work alongside them for a whole week was great! I have been praying for them now and will continue to pray that their work be blessed and that they reach many, many lives for Christ. I even made several new friends like Kristi and Joy. We don't yet know the true impact of all that was done last week, but we know that God was glorified and that everything we did was all for Him.

I know the way out.

Surprisingly I love the show West Wing. The funny part is that its about a Democrat president and his staff. I am a conservative. Now you can see why it is surprising that I love the show. Well, it plays on Bravo here in the mornings and I watch them as I get ready for work. The other day one of my favorite episodes came on. The title of the show is Noel.

In this show, Josh Lyman, the Deputy Chief of Staff, is meeting with a psychiatrist and a traumatologist. You see at the beginning of the season, Josh's character was involved in an attempt on another character's life. He was shot and had to undergo surgery and it was touch and go. He makes it through and recovers and eventually returns to work. Around Christmas time, his character starts exhibiting PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. He basically has a melt down and shoves his hand through a window. He has a huge cut and wraps it himself.

At the beginning of this episode the doctor ask him how he cuts his and hand and this sets off the stage for the rest of the show. The doctor keeps asking him throughout about it. Finally, he really starts pushing Josh about his hand and finally, Josh has a break through. At a Christmas concert he began to relive the events of the shooting. Next Josh asks what set him off. It was the music that sounded like sirens to him that unnerved him. When Josh leaves he runs into Leo. Leo McGary is the Chief of Staff. Leo tells Josh a story and that is the point to this blog.

This is the story. A man falls into this hole and can't get out because the walls were too steep. A doctor walks by and the man yells to the doctor "Help me, I have fallen into this hole and can't get out." The doctor writes him a prescription and throws it down to him and leaves. Later a priest walks by and the man yells to him "Help me, I have fallen into this hole and can't get out." The priest writes out a prayer and throws it down to the man. Soon the mans friends walks by. The man yells "Hey Joe, its me. I have fallen down into this hole. Can you help me out?" Joe jumps down into the hole with his friend. The friend says "Are you crazy? Now we are both down here." Joe says "Yes, we are, but I have been down here before and I know the way out."

I think too many times we forget that it is okay for us to ask for help. When the world is closing in on us and we can't seem to figure out how to get out, all we have to do is ask for help. Help from God, our Heavenly Father and our friends. He definitely knows the way out and will help us if we ask. I have a couple of friends that I could turn to and am turning too as I try to get out of the hole I am in now. They have been there and are truly praying for me. I like knowing that I am not alone and that really we are all in need of help, a hug, a good cry, a listening ear, a friend, a Savior. I know that I have a long journey ahead of me but I am looking forward to the day in a year or so when I look back and know that I made it through. Praise God that He heals and forgives! What an awesome God we serve!

I chose to no longer live my life afraid of things but to rather live my life for Christ without fear. I chose to follow Him no matter what. He is calling me to a great purpose than I could ever imagine for my life. I have said "Yes" and will follow His leading even though right now it is bittersweet. I am following Him and going back to school, seminary to be exact. While that is exciting, it is still scary also. I am sad to be leaving my friends behind but look forward to a new journey. A journey with Him into an unknown. This will be a time to grow closer to Him, in ways I have only dreamed about before.

Saying Yes to God.

So, I guess for years now I have known there was a call in my life to missions and student ministry. I have been fighting it for a few years and especially hard this past year. I feel in love with Northwest Arkansas and didn't want to leave. I had fallen in love with my life here and got "comfortable". God had other plans for me all along and on March 1st I could no longer run from them. Saying yes to this kind of calling is easy and hard at the same time. Its exciting because its a new chapter, a new of trusting God, a new way to grow closer to Him and so many other reasons. Its hard because it means saying "see you later" to close friends and moving away, moving away from them and moving farther away from my family. It means opening up to spiritual attacks that most assuredly will come or have already been occurring. But the great part of that is seeing God take that and make it into something for His benefit.

Saying yes to God can also be in the short form like a test of your faith. I have been through a couple of those lately and while it hasn't been easy I am sitting here now(Thursday, April 1st) typing this up realizing that He has drawn me closer and that the "test" wasn't the important part, it was learning the lessons He wanted me to learn. Now, this isn't to say that I have passed with flying colors. I had a difficult conversation with a great friend on Monday night in which I was being very stubborn and difficult. I do not know how he stayed on the phone with me and kept encouraging me and pushing me to see things a different way. I am glad he did and am extremely grateful to him. This whole being refined by the Refiners fire isn't easy, in fact, it kinda hurts at times. But the great thing is how much I've grown, especially in just the past few months and weeks. Yeah, its hard to know that my wonderful friends here that have been a huge help and inspiration to me will soon be only a phone call away at the quickest and a long car drive away at the longest, but that does not matter. They are still my friends and will still be here for me. I love them so much and say yes because they along with my family support me and daily let me know how proud of me they are. I can do it!

I have fallen in love with Britt Nicole and her music. It is so real and for months now each song has spoken directly to my heart. I encourage you to go to Youtube and look her up or go by her CD. It is well worth the price. I hope it is as beneficial to you as it has been for me.

What do I know of Holy?

I have been listening to this song by Addison Roads a lot lately. I decided to add the song on here so I could stop by and read it when I need to be reminded of who God really is and how little I really know if HIm. Or so that if anyone else needs to see these words they can. It is a beautiful song. If you want to hear it, look it up on youtube. So very truthfully, full of compassion, love and complete awestruck wonder. I am so completely in awe of Him. That I can mess up as much as I do and yet He still loves me. He still wants me. He still draws me to Him. I love you my Heavenly Father!



I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?